Stupid Lost Theories

#92: Faraday's Mommy

2009-01-27T19:10:00.003+09:00

Male-time-guru Faraday tells Desmond to find his mother at Oxford. Everyone assumes that it must be female-time-guru Ms. Hawking. It's too obvious. Maybe it will pove to be correct. But even if it is, it would be stupid.

#91: Oceanic Six and the Numbers

2008-04-27T15:43:00.002+09:00

Each survior is linked to one of the numbers. I mean there are 6 survivors and 6 numbers and I don't think it's a coincidence:

4: Sun. Her dress size

8: Hurley. What he did with food.

15: Kate. The age she acts.

16: Aaron. His weight.

23: Sayid. Number of ways he can kill a man using his feet.

42: Jack. Number of times he cries per day.

by Desmondisthekey

Dude, I absolutely love the way you think.

#90: Pregnant Jack

2008-04-26T22:31:00.003+09:00

The reason Jack is having stomach pains is because he's pregnant like that dude on Oprah.

Awesome.

#89: The Secret room has a Secret Room

2008-04-26T22:21:00.004+09:00

We saw Ben's secret room a few weeks ago, the one behind the bookshelf where he keeps his passports, outfits, and cash. Then in 'The Shape of Things to Come' we saw that Ben had a secret room inside that secret room, the one with the hierogliphs on the secret door. So in the next few episodes, will we see that Ben has another secret room inside of that secret room?

Great observation, Carlton. It's here he keeps the coffin inside the coffin. You are #89 baby.

#88: The Island is a FLDS compound

2008-04-20T01:09:00.003+09:00

Ben is the island's Warren Jeffs. Jacob is the island's angel Moroni. We already know the others are hanging out in the temple.

Ouch. That's just painfully stupid -- in oh-so-many ways.

#87: Ben's Dairy

2008-04-17T23:47:00.002+09:00

It certainly would be interesting to see what kinds of products Ben would produce at a dairy. Would he homogeonize his own milk? Would he specialize in hard cheeses? Would he use mainly goats and cows, or would he also use milk from buffalos, sheep, horses, or camels? Maybe he'd even milk a cat. I doubt he'd be able to fit the whole dairy on his coffin, but maybe some small-curd cottage cheese.

Oh, I get it -- you mean diary, right? Funny guy.

#86: There is nothing in the coffin...

2008-04-16T17:13:00.003+09:00

Um...

#85: There's a coffin in the coffin

2008-04-16T16:17:00.004+09:00

The big question on Lost (well, one of them, anyway) is: What is in the coffin?

I think there is another coffin in the coffin, and then another coffin inside of that, and so on, and so on, until you get a really teeny tiny coffin. A really cute one. It's kindof like those famous russian dolls. And inside of that one is a quarter.

Okay, sure. Why not? It makes as much sense as any of the other "in the coffin" theories. And the Beatles' russian dolls picture is just too cool, don't you think?

(Christmas is only 252 days away...)

#84: Burnt Black Smoke

2008-04-16T00:48:00.002+09:00

Remember Juliet is baking cookies or muffins at the time the plane crashed? she burns them? i was thinking, i bet that is what created the black smoke monster! it makes perfect sense, think about it and let me know what you thought about it!

Love it, love it, love it.

#83: Jack has joined The Others

2008-04-16T00:45:00.002+09:00

It is clear from the flashforward that Jack has joined forces with the Others. He is wearing a fake beard in his flash forward for the season 3 finale.

I like it. Really I do.

#82: The island won't let you die...

2008-04-16T00:31:00.006+09:00

Or become the captain of your own sandwich.

Apparently.

Genius.

#81: Jacob is Jakob Dylan

2008-04-15T21:31:00.002+09:00

Oh, I get it. One eye, one headlight. You may be on to something.

#80: Charlie's Ring = Charlie's CONSTANT

2008-04-14T13:45:00.002+09:00

Remember when Desmond went to the university to find Faraday, Faraday told Desmond that you need a constant, Faraday and Desmond both thought about inanimate objects, until Desmond asked if it could be a person, Faraday thought about it for a second and said yes.

Remember Charlie's list of most important moments in his life, one of his moments was when he recieved his ring from his brother. Please don't take offense anyone but that is one of the UGLIEST rings I have ever seen, but it is extremely important to Charlie. He was always touching it, twisting it, and, showing it off. The ring has had more close-ups than some of the Losties, and we have had that ring shoved down our throats and we are all still wondering when its going to be found. I think the ring is important for more reasons than Charlie's brother gave it to him, I think it is Charlie's constant. I don't think we have seen the last of Charlie!

I gotta tell you, I love your enthusiasm. Never give up hope.

But, um, Charlie -- the fictional character on the fictional TV show -- he's dead -- he said so himself. And I know you wouldn't call Charlie a liar. That would be, well, you know...

(stupid)

#79: "Help Me..."

2008-04-14T10:31:00.002+09:00

"... I've fallen and I can't get up."

#78: The Island is Middle-earth

2008-04-13T10:19:00.003+09:00

Because in LOTR, right after Frodo, Sam, Pippen, and Merry/Charlie have their first run in with a Nazgul, Dom says, "what was that that?" It was reminicent of his famous "where are we?" from the first episode of Lost. So clearly...

Chalk up one more for the amazingly thinly-stretched logic of overzealous Lost fans. Now when you start making comparisons to Party of 5, it's time to get a new hobby.

#77: It's all good... or bad

2008-04-12T00:11:00.003+09:00

You know how they found those stones with the adam and Eve skeletons, one white stone and one black stone, and how we keep seeing things that are either white or black on the island? Well, think about this - black represents things that are evil and white represents things that are good. And the smoke monster is black, like the black ash around Jacob's cabin, but maybe they are trying to fool us. So I figure that the island is either all evil, fighting against good in the world, or it is all good, fighting against everything that is evil in the world. And Jacob and the smoke monster is at the very center.

I see. So it's either all good, or it's all bad. Amazing. Congrats, I think you've cracked it!

#76: Patchy-morte

2008-04-11T18:31:00.004+09:00

Patchy is like Voldemorte. That's why he can't die. The secret is in the horcruxes. Mikhail ripped out pieces of his soul, like Voldermorte, to keep him from ever dying. The eye that the Tailies found in that Bible in the Arrow station -- that was one of Mikhail's horcruxes.

Clever. I like it.

(but that doesn't mean it isn't stupid)

#75: Four-toed evolution

2008-04-11T11:38:00.002+09:00

I submit that mankind has evolved throughout the millions of years that we have existed. The very first life forms on earth were theoretically water bound creatures. As time went on, these fins began to turn into digits and the creature began to walk on land.

I’m using this concept to suggest that, perhaps millions of years ago before any records, humans had four fingers and four toes. Of course, a million years out here in the real world is a million years, but who’s to say, or not say, that a million years on the Island is the same as a million years here as well? I think that the first inhabitants of the island were primitive humans that only had four digits on each limb. These original inhabitants did not have the technology to build statues in the real world, but they had a heightened intellect and sense of awareness on the island that led them to construct such structures.

There are even people alive today that are in the process of developing six digits on each limb. Some would call this decease, known as polydactyly. Others might call it evolution.

Well, I think you know what I call it.

#74: Jim is not dead

2008-04-11T11:14:00.001+09:00

Whew! Pam will be so relieved.

#73: Jacob is Elvis

2008-04-10T19:15:00.000+09:00

The black smoke is a security system guarding some secret on the island, right? And what secret is that?

Elvis.

Here's the proof: 4-8-15-16-23-42

4. Elvis's first single entered the charts at number 4.

8. Elvis had 8 hit singles, 3 more than the Beatles.

15. He was fifteen when he lost his virginity.

16. He was 16 when he found it again.

23. The number of hotdogs Elvis could eat in one sitting.

42. The last number of the Valenzetti equation.

And if that's not stupid, I don't know what is.

#72: Jacob and Christian are twins

2008-04-10T19:12:00.002+09:00

I think Jacob and Christian Shepherd are twins. I came to this conclusion after Hurley found Jacob’s cabin and saw someone who looked like Christian Shepherd rocking in the chair. Darlton also stated in a podcast, answering a question from a viewer, that it was intuitive of this viewer to notice that the person in the cabin looked like Christian Shepherd. They never said it WAS him, but they pointed out that it LOOKED like him—possibly implying a twin.

Thus, Jacob would be Jack’s Uncle, not his Grandfather. I’ve yet to determine which one is good and which one is bad, or if there even is such a delineation. But there’s the obvious reference to the twins Jacob and Esau of the Bible, and Jacob has a son named Benjamin. The implications are obvious. Jacob deceived Esau for his birthright, but interestingly enough, after the deception, the line blurs as to whether or not one brother was more or less evil/good than the other brother. Jacob was definitely more blessed than Esau, even though he used deception to get his way. And there’s the reference seen on the screen in room 23 “God Loves You as he Loved Jacob”, so who knows…

Yes. Obvious indeed.

#71: Christian and Elvis are twins

2008-04-10T19:10:00.003+09:00

Well, obviously...

#70: The island is the Garden of Eden

2008-04-10T18:53:00.006+09:00

Now this in and of itself is not such a stupid idea, and in the end, if it turns out to be correct, it might even be a little cool. But you have got to see the lame evidence this guy and his brother are passing off as "proof positive" that this theory is actually correct. For example:

Adam and Eve’s thirst for knowledge is why they sinned and ate from the forbidden tree. Alvar Hanso said "From the dawn of our species, man has been blessed with curiosity." Mr Friendly quoted this in season 2. Dawn of species - Adam and Eve - Garden of Eden - get it?

Oi vey.

(that's yiddish for "stupid")

#69: Numbers = Garden of Eden

2008-04-10T18:49:00.007+09:00

The numbers themselves have been referred to numerous times as a curse, or at least as being cursed (Hurley’s curse). DHARMA has realized that the equation was set into motion at the time of Adam and Eve’s failure, which set death into motion, and CURSED all of mankind to come. God cursed Adam with toil, Eve in CHILDBIRTH (birthing problems) the serpent, and creation itself. All of it was cursed…doomed to death…doomed to one day come to destroy itself. That curse began the equation as revealed by Valenzetti.

Not only that, but there are exactly 108 words in that theory.

(109 if you add "stupid")

#68: Daddy issues = Garden of Eden

2008-04-10T18:39:00.004+09:00

Everyone on the island has Daddy issues. They all have some beef with their fathers—they’ve all been mistreated, or at least feel mistreated, by their fathers. This also seems to point to the ULTIMATE Daddy issue, the issue that all mankind has with the FATHER OF MANKIND…Adam. The one who originally did all his children wrong by partaking of the forbidden fruit, setting into motion the CURSE, (the numbers) and dooming all of mankind to death. Those chosen to attempt to pass the judgment test would obviously have daddy issues of some sort, if they are trying to reverse the action of Adam.

No, not 'beef" -- forbidden fruit. So I guess Locke getting Sawyer to strangle his dad is going to reverse original sin. Brilliant.

#67: The Whispers = Garden of Eden

2008-04-10T18:30:00.007+09:00

The whispers point to the story of Cain and Abel—sons of Adam and Eve. Cain killed Abel, and it says that Abel’s blood cried out from the ground. The whispers are from some of those who have died on the show. One obvious whisper is from Ben’s mother. She died in childbirth, and if you read through the whisper transcripts, you will see that one voice is clearly identified as Ben’s mother when Ben is shown chasing her into the forest and he gets stopped by the sonic fence. She is dead, and we now hear her voice in the whispers. Another Adam and Eve connection.

Of course. Abel was murdered by Cain, Ben's mom was, um, murdered by, um, Ben. And both, you know -- whisper. How could I have missed something as obvious as that?

#66: What?

2008-04-10T12:21:00.001+09:00

Now exactly a theory, per se, but a pretty common response to most of the really stupid ones.

#65: Stupid isn't really stupid

2008-04-02T08:35:00.002+09:00

"I just want to say that I do the "stupid lost theories" in the spirit of fun -- not to be mean or offensive. It is out of a love for the show and an appreciation for the way it makes us think -- even when it makes us think crazy stuff. So my apologies for anyone who is offended. That's not the intention. It's why I "stupidify" my own theories as well. Anyway..."

I see. So people should feel honored to be called stupid by you? That way of thinking takes a special kind of arrogance. Special enough to be... oh, I don't know... stupid?

#64: The Biblical King Whoever Theory

2008-04-01T22:18:00.006+09:00

"Here's a crazy thought. What if this is kinda like the biblical story where King whoever was told by the three wise men that a king was to be born (Jesus) and would rule the world. So the king had all the boys killed ages 2 or younger hoping that one of them would be this new king. Maybe the pregnant women dying thing is along these lines. Pregnant women die and all the children kidnapped because they know a new leader is coming. The island killing the pregnant women because the island does not want this new special child. Ben trying to course correct by bringing Juliet to try to fix this problem, hence bringing the new special child. This could also explain why they take the children, not knowing exactly how this special child will come to be on the island, therefore taking all children that arrive on the island."
No, dude. It's not crazy at all

(unless by "crazy" you mean "stupid" in which case, yes, it is beautifully, religiously crazy).

In fact, it would be the most coolestest, craziest thing ever if every if the universe were really trying to course-correct the crucifiction -- and it would be even CRAZIER if it sent someone like the Terminator back to do it (especially if the Terminator was really Annie). That would simple ROCK! Go Bible!

#63: Charlie is O6

2008-04-01T22:03:00.004+09:00

"Wouldn't that be cool if Charlie turned out to be Oceanic Six? Wouldn't that twist everything around?"

Yes, YES! I love that idea. The real Oceanic Six:

Charlie

Libby

Walt

Jacob

Annie.

What if those six are the six!!!

If those six were the actual Oceanic Six, that would be mind-blowingly AMAZING!!!

(P.S. If you're still doing the math, maybe you see that it doesn't add up. But don't worry -- if you didn't notice, then congratulations -- you. like me, are an official Charlie lover, and I can't blame either of us for being hopefully, pathetically-unable-to-accept-reality-kind-of-stupid, too).

#62: Smokey the ride

2008-04-01T15:42:00.002+09:00

"Back in the Oceanic Board days there was a theory that Smokie was some type of transportation mechanism, since it sounds like a subway train."

Oooo, fun. Tell that to Eko.

#61: Smoked Squid

2008-04-01T15:37:00.002+09:00

"The island is actually underwater and the smoke monster is actually a squid."

You can't be serious.

#60: Time Travel vs. Life Travel

2008-04-01T15:30:00.003+09:00

"What we are seeing on Lost is not what we are used to thinking of as time travel (like Back to the Future, or Bill and Ted). It is more like "life travel" -- a person's consciousness being able to travel to different points within their own lifespan."

Okay, are you really saying this is stupid, or are you just shamelessly trying to plug another one of your so-called brilliant theories?

Well, it is afterall my blog. :)

(And this is what is meant by stupid.)

#59: Reward and Punishment

2008-04-01T15:24:00.002+09:00

"I think we see some of that in Ben's relationship with the island -- he is rewarded and punished over and over again -- these punishments and rewards are connected.

Cancer Example:
I think Ben lied about Juliette's sister's "relapse" as a way of keeping Juliette on the island. As a result of that lie, Ben was punished with a tumor on his spine. To counter the punishment, he was rewarded with a spinal surgeon who fell out of the sky.

Patricide Example:
I think that Ben was punished for killing his father. I think that in an upcoming episode, we will see that Annie was pregnant with Ben's child at the time he killed his father, and that as punishment, his unborn child (and Annie, as well) were killed (and Ben learned, for the first time, that pregnant women always die on the island). Right after their deaths, Rousseau's group came to the Island, restoring to Ben the child (Alex) that had been taken from him (at least in his mind).

Goodwin Example:
I think we are going to see that Ben's punishment for allowing Goodwin to be killed by the tailies is that he gets caught in Rousseu's net on his way back to New Otherton. The reward for being caught in the net is the way he infiltrates the Losties and gets under Locke's skin."

Punishment, maybe. But what is he rewarded for? Not exactly stupid, per se, but I think you haven't completely thought this through.

No, cuz it's another one of mine, but it was the genesis for Ben vs. The Universe, and that's at least not completely stupid. Right?

(eh...)

#58: Harper is Annie

2008-04-01T15:22:00.002+09:00

Right. That explains why she was married to Goodwin.

Good one.

#57: They're making it up as they go along

2008-03-30T15:04:00.004+09:00

"Damon Lindeloff and Carlton Cuse don't really have a plan for the show -- they're just making it up as they go along!"

No, they're not. All the scripts for seasons 1-6 were already written in the first 10 minutes when they sat down and conceived the show. In fact, they hired all the actors, and filmed every scene of every episode in the first three weeks.

OF COURSE they are making it up as they go along -- that's what writers do, duh! They live in the real world and have to deal with networks and actors' schedules and fan feedback and a million other things, and they have allowed for some flexibility in their storytelling (thank God!). But that doesn't mean that they don't have an overall plan. They do, and they have been true to it from the very start, and it is the best show ever. Come on people, these guys are amazing storytellers. Anyone who thinks differently is, well, you know...

stoooopid.

#56: Elite black smoke-like creatures

2008-03-30T14:56:00.002+09:00

"These elect people [followers of Jacob] had proven themselves worthy and been taught by Jacob to “unstick’ themselves in time and space and to transcend their very natures. They became part of the island, and when “unsticking” themselves in time and space would manifest themselves as black smoke-like creatures with amazing power and ability."

I see. So the smoke monster is really elite people who "transcend their very natures" (whatever that menas) -- elite people with amazing power and ability. That's vague enough to cover about anything and mean almost nothing -- vague enough to be stupid.

(and lest anyone be too concerned that I am only ripping apart other people's theories, rest assured, this stupid one is from my "Ben vs. The Universe" theory -- I know for sure it's stupid, cuz it's mine).

#55: course-corrected Emily

2008-03-29T09:27:00.003+09:00

"Ben’s mother, an original member of DHARMA, travels 15 years back in time, back to 1970. She meets a great guy, marries him, and gets pregnant. But, she was childless in the alternate future that she lived out on the island.

When the time comes for Ben’s mom to give birth, she dies, but still manages to produce a baby boy. The reason she died was because the timeline was course correcting to replace her with Ben. In a way, Ben is the embodiment of her, and was thus “created” to fulfill her legacy as the disgruntled DHARMA engineer that would ultimately bring down the shady corporation. It’s Ben’s role to figure out how to “work around” fate, and to find a way to make the time machine “work” without using DHARMA’s methods.

After a good bit of time on the island, Ben hears and sees his dead mother outside his house on the island! The reason he sees her is because in an “alternate future,” she was actually alive and working on this island for DHARMA. She appears half-dead to him because her dead spirit is designed to “help Ben understand his destiny” so that he can carry on her legacy. Thus, her spirit is time’s way of course correcting the future."

So let me get this straight, the universe course-corrected Emily Linus for traveling back in time and getting pregnant when she wasn’t supposed to be pregnant, so it kills her and replaces her with the son she was not supposed to have. Then it sends the now-course-corrected-dead-mommy-spirit to the never-supposed-to-be-born Ben on the island to course-correct him into what exactly? Don’t tell me that HE got pregnant too!

#54: Stupid DHARMA test subjects think a time machine is a complex vaccination doo-hicky.

2008-03-29T09:14:00.002+09:00

"Desperate to prove that there’s ANY benefit to the new time machine, the leaders of DHARMA find a group of their own people to involuntarily become “test subjects” of their next experiment involving time travel. This being: can sending people back in time permanently cure them of a deadly virus? Without proper warning, DHARMA releases a virus in an area of the island that infects many of the “test subjects.” Then DHARMA claims that they can cure the disease with this special “device,” that device being the time machine. This, however, is NOT obvious to the test subjects - they just want to get cured, and think the time machine is some type of complex vaccination. As fate would predict, the test subjects go back in time and are cured of the virus, only to be later killed by the smoke monster, as the monster is the “physical means” in which the timeline course corrects itself. DHARMA, seeing this smoke monster for the first time, is now officially fearful that this time machine will end up serving no purpose whatsoever."

Amazing. Wouldn’t it be cool if in the next episode Locke actually stumbles across the actual certificate officially declaring the actual DHARMA test subjects’ actual fear?

And please people, remember to always issue a proper warning when releasing deadly viruses. It’s just common courtesy. Namaste.

#53: the unexpected black rock magnet thing

2008-03-29T09:07:00.001+09:00

"The Black Rock was a slave boat crossing the Pacific. The boat was transporting a large assortment of metallic minerals, which were highly reactive to other forces of magnetism. Unexpectedly, the boat encounters the island of LOST. Being that the island has unique magnetic properties, the magnetic materials on the boat “react” with the magnetic forces on the island, and the boat is literally hoisted onto the island. The boat, having strong levels of magnetism, creates a hole in the invisible bubble that surrounds the island – this hole is at coordinate “325”, or the “special location/coordinate” that Daniel’s team travels through to get to the island. Once the Black Rock crashes, the leaders aboard the ship, including Alvar Hanso, begin studies on the magnetic aspects of the island. Their descendents ultimately form the DHARMA initiative in the late 1900’s."

'Nuff said.

#52: The four-toad statue

2008-03-29T08:45:00.002+09:00

"The four toad statue was of Dharma's four leader and his four pet toads. After doing experiments on some of his people, killing some and turning others into toads, some of them rebelled and blew up his statue. There are pieces of it still in the ocean."

Dude -- you got it all wrong. They built the statue in the center of the island for Jacob, who they loved. It took four people to tow it to the beach. That's why it's called the four-towed statue. Duh!!!

#51: Good Buddy Time-travelers

2008-03-29T08:33:00.003+09:00

"Jacob, Ben, and Richard are all just really good buddies who travel trough time together in Dharma's time machine, yes you heard me, an actual time machine."

Phew! Thanks man. For a second there I thought I might have to grapple through a mysteriously complicated but intriguing plot. But this is way better. Awesome.

#50: Lost is just continuing every Bible story there ever was

2008-03-29T08:29:00.002+09:00

"The 4-toed statue is from Josiah's destruction of false idols before the rebuilding of Solomon's Temple (during which is found the Book of Law).

Kate's horse was one of those removed (by Joshiah) from the entrance to the temple put there as dedication to the sun from the kings of Judah.

Adam and Eve are actually the bones of the man of God who spoke against the altar of Bethel in 2 Kings 23:17 and the prophet from Samaria whose bones were laid beside him ."

Okay. Just wake me up when it's time to go home.

#49: Locke is in the (too small) coffin

2008-03-29T08:07:00.004+09:00

"Locke is in the coffin, but the coffin is too small, so here is how it works:

Locke got off the island but Walt kept appearing, saying he had work to do. Wouldn't that drive you to suicide, too? So Locke hung himself by the neck, and while he was hanging he sawed off his own legs. That's why the coffin is so small."

Stupid stupid stupid. Everyone knows you're supposed to wait until you're already IN the coffin before you break out the saw!

#48: Anything to do with the Valenzetti Equation

2008-03-28T22:59:00.005+09:00

Okay, I know, I know -- this was like the BIG REVEAL for the ultra-lost-geeks in "The LOST Experiment" game a few summers ago. But please -- until it is actually mentioned on the actual show, can we please just actually shut up about it already?

By the way, Valenzetti Equation is really an anagram for:
Venereal Zit Quotient.

And if you look it up to prove me wrong, you're a bigger geek than I am.

#47: Walt and Eko are brothers

2008-03-28T22:49:00.004+09:00

This has to do with the photo on the wall in the "ghost house" -- the woman Miles visited so he could talk to the ghost. Granted, there is a resemblance between young Eko and the photo on the wall, but come on -- Nigeria orphan, Los Angeles grandmother. Too big a stretch, even for connection-happy Lost.

No, that kid is not Eko.

No, that woman is not Walt's grandmother.

No, Walt and Eko were not brothers.

(well, not in that way at least)

#46: ABC’s Lost is related to NBC’s Heroes

2008-03-28T22:05:00.002+09:00

This would actually be kind of cool if it were true (but only ‘kind of’). This theory states that series creators’ Damon Lindeloff and Tim Kring have conspired to create different stories in a connceted “universe”-- that Lost's island is a super-hero generating machine, and each of Heroes’ heroes got their power from the island, like we are seeing happen now with Desmond.

The idea that two shows could interconnect without anyone seeing it coming is pretty interesting. But believing that it is actually happening, especially this far along in both series… well, that is just stupid.

But if it were true, ten-to-one Ben would trick Sylar into cutting off his own head before he knew what he was really doing. Any takers?

#45: Jacob is half-alive

2008-03-27T10:45:00.004+09:00

"Jacob is just a time traveler who was dead, but not yet, so he's still half-alive!"

Oh, I get it. Like the Dread Pirate Wesley, the guy is only MOSTLY dead.

(and Tom is his twoo-wuv Pwincess Buwacwup)

Brilliant!

#44: Jack and Kate are Adam and Eve

2008-03-27T10:31:00.006+09:00

Remember those skeletons Jack and Kate found in season one -- the ones Locke called "our very own Adam and Eve?"

Well, wouldn't it be cool if those skeletons were really Jack and Kate? Wouldn't it be cool if they got rescued as part of the Oceanic 6, and then tried to get back to the island, but they went the wrong way and went too far back in time, and then they were stranded alone on the island, and they found their way to this cave 'cuz they already knew about it from the future, and they had a white rock and a black rock to give clues to their future selves, and they died in the cave, and their bodies rotted, and they became the very skeletons that they found later on? Wouldn't that be cool? Wouldn't it?

Nope. Not if it made this list.

#43: Emily Linus - TIME TRAVELLER

2008-03-27T10:17:00.003+09:00

According to this theory, Emily Linus (Ben's mom) was a former DHARMA scientist who worked on the top-secret DHARMA time machine and eventually grew sick of DHARMA's hypocritical ways, so she used the time machine to travel from 1985 to 1970, then met some Uncle-Rico-looking dude named Roger, had a baby (Ben) and the universe then killed her and is using Ben as her course-correcting replacement.

Uh huh. She should have given the time machine to Uncle Rico so he could go back and win that football game.

#42: Jack is in the coffin

2008-03-27T09:24:00.002+09:00

This theory is beautifully stupid. Future-bearded-clone-Jack has read about the death of his time-travelled-Oceanic 815 survivor-nonclone-alternate reality-Jack (who never divorced Sarah and had a son with her and lived for a while in New York) and has gone to visit "himself" in the coffin. That is why he couldn't commit suicide, because this piece of him was already dead. That is also why he is so upset that no one else came. And Kate didn't want to go because that Jack was married to Sarah, not Kate.

All I can say to this is "wow."

Well, not completely true. I can also say "stupid!"

#41: Jacob is Jack's Grandfather

2008-03-26T17:11:00.003+09:00

"The names Jacob, John, James, and Shephard all appear in the Bible in the Book of Matthew. Jacob was the father of Joseph who was the father of Jesus Christ. So on Lost, Jacob is Christian's father making him Jack's grandfather.i.e:JACOB SHEPARD!!! This means we can see why Jack is of the utmost importance to the island, Jacob found the island and is making Jack the islands saviour. What strikes me as either important or coincidence is the book of the bible in which this occurs, Matthew which is Jack's name in real life, Matthew Fox!!!"

Nope, neither important nor coinciental.

All it is is stupid.

#40: Ms. Hawking stole Daniel Faraday's device

2008-03-26T17:07:00.003+09:00

"The reason Ms. Hawking new so much about Desmond's future is because she stole Daniel Faraday's time-traveling device from Oxford and used it to go forward and backwards to learn the sectets of the island."

I got a better one for you: Ms. Hawking was Eloise the the rat.

They both make about as much sense, 'cuz both of them are stupid.

#39: The Oceanic 6 are CLONES!!!

2008-03-26T15:05:00.005+09:00

"In the final five episodes of season 4 we will see that "The Others" have secretly been cloning the Oceanic 815 survivors in the Orchid station. Six of the clones escape and return to the outside world. When Abaddon asked Hurley "are they still alive," he meant the actual survivors, who are still on the island. This is why Jack told a different story in the courtroom. He doesn't know what actually happened because he is just a clone."

Cool. And I supose all the bodies in the fake 815 were the first-draft clones that didn't quite make it? Good one. Just one small problem...

It's stupid.

#38: Bad Twin Ben

2008-03-26T14:31:00.003+09:00

"Off-Island Ben is the evil twin of on-island Ben."

Right. 'Cuz on-island Ben isn't evil at all, is he.

Stupid.

#37: Naomi is Sayid and Nadia's Daughter

2008-03-26T14:23:00.001+09:00

I didn't realize Sayid and Nadia were 12-years-old when they had Naomi. So why exactly would this be cool?

#36: The Numbers = ???

2008-03-26T14:04:00.004+09:00

" There are exactly six solutions to the following equation:

x^6 - 108x^5 + 4405x^4 - 87270x^3 + 881464x^2 - 4239552x + 7418880 = 0 {1}

The six solutions (roots) are 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.

The {1} equation can also be rewritten as:

(x - 4) * (x - 8) * (x - 15) * (x - 16) * (x - 23) * (x - 42) = 0 {2}

The 108 and 7418880 numbers in the expanded form {1} are a direct result of simply expanding the {2}. In any equation in the form {2}, the coefficient of x^5 is always the addition of all the solutions (roots) and the loose term (with no x^n) in {1} is always the multiplication of the solutions (roots). For example:

{1}: x^6 - 30x^5 + 354x^4 - 2080x^3 + 6309x^2 - 9090x + 4536 = 0
{2}:(x - 1) * (x - 3) * (x - 4) * (x - 6) * (x - 7) * (x - 9) = 0

The solutions to the above equations are 1, 3, 4, 6, 7 and 9. 30 is 1+3+4+6+7+9 and
4536 is 1*3*4*6*7*9.

Alternatively, perhaps the Numbers are the first six numbers infinitely long sequence. One such sequence is defined by S(n)=(1/40)(2400 - 4896n + 3670n^2 - 1175n^3 + 170n^4 - 9n^5) (derived using the Lagrange Polynomial). According to this formula, then next equation in the sequence is 46.

Or maybe the Numbers are a mixture of several sequences, for example:
2 4 8 16 32 64...
where next number is previous multiplied by 2, and
2 8 15 23 42 52 63...
where you have to add 6, 7, 8, 9... accordingly to the previous number.
Also, a random equation was found between these equations.
First of all 4 x 8 x 15 x 16 x 23 x 42 = 7418880
now look 4+8+1+5+1+6+2+3+4+2=36
7418880 7+4+1+8+8+8+0=36

coincidence? maybe. "

Yep. Uh huh (cricket chirp, cricket chirp). Can you explain that on an abacus?

#35: The Numbers = Evil Weapon

2008-03-26T13:35:00.002+09:00

"The numbers represent the ingredients of some sort of evil weapon being constructed by DHARMA:

4= Beryllium (Be) -- Powdered beryllium is extremely toxic!
8= Oxygen (O) -- If carbon is the foundation of life, oxygen is the fuel
15= Phosphorus (P) -- Phosphorus is all about fire
16= Sulfur (S) -- Sulfur is the element of war and is one of three ingredients in gunpowder
23= Vanadium (V) -- Vanadium as an impurity gives the green color to many pretty gemstones (Green flash)
42= Molybdenum (Mo) -- The melting point of molybdenum is a good 1000C higher than steel and used as laser applications."

So THAT'S why they cursed Hurley like that!

#34: The Numbers = DHARMA stations

2008-03-26T13:30:00.003+09:00

"Each of the Numbers represents one of the six Dharma stations on the island. The number 4 represents the Swan because the alarm sounds when the Countdown Timer reaches 4 minutes. The other numbers have other significance that will be revealed later in the show. Also, added together they equal 108, which – when divided by 4 is 27. But 27 is not divisible by 4, so there must be more than one Swan station. "

Wa-huh?

#33: The Mexican Snow Globe

2008-03-26T13:01:00.003+09:00

The island is really in a snow globe, and that snow globe is for sale in a street market somewhere in Mexico City.

#32: I am Annie

2008-03-26T12:54:00.001+09:00

Interesting theory Gnat. I'll never tell.

#31: Sawyer the Purse-snatcher

2008-03-26T12:45:00.003+09:00

Before becoming a succesful con-artist, Sawyer was a two-bit criminal who stole a purse once at a diner from Alicia Silverstone.

Oh wait... that one's kinda true.

#30: Thomas is Ben

2008-03-26T12:28:00.003+09:00

This is going back aways. The theory was that Thomas -- Claire's artist boyfriend and Aaron's bio-dad -- was actually Ben, in a time-warped twist before Ben came to the island. That is why "the Others" wanted baby Aaron -- cus it was Ben's (aka "Thomas") kid.

Aside from an eerie resemblance and the appearance of Thomas-esque art in the Swan hatch (both created by Lost director Jack Bender), this stupid theory didn't have much to it (as stupid theories are wont to not -- huh?). It got especially weird when people started thinking that Aaron was Ben, too.

#29: DHARMA Zoological Purge

2008-03-26T11:51:00.003+09:00

This was a theory stating that the test-animals in the DHARMA zoological stations gained human-consciousness and the ability to change to human form. They rose up in rebellion against their DHARMA masters. This was the cause of "the purge." Now they live on the island as "the others" and they can change from human to animal (or to smoke monster) at will. I thought it sounded cool at the time. Of course it also sounded stupid.

#28: Ben was a DHARMA shark

2008-03-26T11:48:00.002+09:00

I guess it's the bulging eyes -- or else it's the killer mentality.

#27: Tom was a DHARMA Polar Bear

2008-03-26T11:46:00.003+09:00

That's how he knew exactly how long it took the bears to get a fish biscuit.

#26: Juliete was a DHARMA Dolphin

2008-03-26T11:37:00.003+09:00

And was put in the aquarium with shark-Ben -- natural enemies who fell in love.

#25: Dharma and the Coca-Cola Connection

2008-03-26T10:56:00.006+09:00

The DHARMA Initiative was sponsored by the Coca-Cola company with the mission to create cute adorable polar bears for nefarious advertising purposes.

#24: Lost is not real, it's just a TV show

2008-03-26T10:51:00.003+09:00

Don't be stupid. OF COURSE it's real. Haven't you seen that Oceanic website?

#23: Ben fathered everyone on the island

2008-03-25T23:24:00.002+09:00

No. Ben is not Warren Jeffs. This is not Colorado City.

#22: Penny is Annie

2008-03-25T23:03:00.000+09:00

I guess any woman on Lost automatically qualifies as secretly being Annie. I can't wait to hear them explain Sun or Rose (although Rose is probably Walt's grandmother, too).

#21: Sarah (Jack's ex-wife) is Annie

2008-03-25T22:58:00.000+09:00

According to this theory, little Annie left the island, bleached her hair, staved off aging for a few years, and married Jack after her car accident. Then she left Jack for Ben, who had been hunting for her with all his money and his passports, even before Jack came to the island. That is why Ben was so possessive of Juliete, because he said once that Juliete looked like Sarah, who also looks like Annie. And this connection works because, why again?

#20: Ben is playing Chess with The Universe

2008-03-25T22:56:00.002+09:00

Wait a minute, this one's not a stupid theory, this one is my current theory, and IT ROCKS!!!

(Okay, so maybe it's a little stupid)

#19: Walt's Grandma is Miles' Ghost Woman

2008-03-25T22:44:00.001+09:00

I can see why this is confusing, since we see them both in a doorway over another character's left shoulder.

That's the only reason people are making this claim, right?

RIGHT?

#18: Jacob is Locke

2008-03-25T22:25:00.001+09:00

Okay, I might upset some people with this one because this is still a popular theory held near and dear even to our illustrious Jeff Jensen at EW.com, but come on...

Other than the cheap GOTCHA! factor, can someone please explain to me how this would make the show any better?

Locke is NOT Jacob. I just can't see the point. And if I can't see it, the idea is simply stupid.

#17: It is all a dream

2008-03-25T22:19:00.001+09:00

Only if Damon and Carlton plan to never work again.

#16: Kate is Annie

2008-03-25T22:17:00.000+09:00

How does this make ANY sense?

#15: Rousseau is Annie

2008-03-25T22:16:00.000+09:00

Again with this bizarre fixation for discovering Annie in one of the characters we already know.

So let me see if I get this straight... Little Annie left the island and lived in Eastern Europe for a while (long enough to develop a "french" accent and a severe case of amnisia), she changed her name, came back to the island, had a baby, and has lived as a hermit for 16 years staying far away from Ben, the boy she gave the dolls to and said they would never be apart.

Sorry.

Stupid.

#14: The island is a chicken

2008-03-25T17:44:00.001+09:00

Okay - more self-confession time. This is one I tried to explain to my wife once. Cuz, you know, Ben tells Locke:

"Help yourself to the chicken -- sorry, I ate most of the dark meat myself."

He's really talking about the island. You know, 'cuz he's harnessed the dark powers of the island.

And then Locke said they were out of eggs.

And then Locke was killing another chicken.

It makes sense, right?

Island = Chicken.

Stupid.

#13: Ben and Locke are Brothers

2008-03-25T17:39:00.000+09:00

Right.

Ben and Locke are brothers.

'Cuz THAT would make the show REAL cool.

#12: Flying Cabin, Exploding Panda

2008-03-25T17:15:00.001+09:00

Um.... Charles Widmore and Mr. Paik are searching for the island so they can capture Jacob's "flying cabin" (it can fly?) and use it to manufacture a new Korean flying car. Exploding Panda's will be used to stop them.

Too stupid to be real.

But stupid, nevertheless.

#11: Freighter Michael is Actually WALT!!!

2008-03-25T14:56:00.001+09:00

This is one for those nerds Joaquin Phoenix was talking about in the movie Signs -- you know, those guys who can't get girlfriends so they make up secret codes to make themselves feel special (which is such a different kind of nerd from me).

So these people want to suggest that Ben sent Michael and Walt BACK IN TIME, and that Walt grew up to look EXACTLY LIKE HIS DAD, and that Ben recruited Walt to be his spy on the frieghter -- all this work just so the writers of Lost could say GOTCHA!!!

Neato. Do you think you're special now?

That's exactly what the nerds want you to think.

#10: Mr. Eko is the Smoke Monster

2008-03-25T14:49:00.000+09:00

Oh, I get it. Because they're both black, right?

Stupid.

Next!

#9: Jacob: The Lost Scrooge Connection

2008-03-25T14:30:00.002+09:00

According to this theory, Lost's mysterious "Jacob" is named after the Charles Dickens' character Jacob Marley, the one-time partner of Ebeneezer Scrooge who warns Scrooge of the terrible chains of hell that await him after death. Marley also arranges for three ghosts (a flashback, present-day, and flash-forward ghost) to visit Scrooge and redeem his soul on Christmas Eve.

Okay, so this theory isn't "stupid" per se -- the show has made several Dickens references and there are clearly themes of redemption throughout each characters' storylines, as well as the flashback, present, flash-forward storytelling devices. This theory actually shows a lot of creativity and thought (no, it's not mine).

I just can't figure out how Jacob being like Jacob Marley has any practical significance for the show. How does it add anything that we dont already know? Is Jacob a ghost then? Who is Scrooge? Who are the other ghosts who visit him? And most importantly, who is Tiny Tim, because someone has to say "God bless us each, every one."

No, this is not really stupid (it's pretty cool, really), but since I can't exactly figure it out, it's close enough to make the list.

#8: Arturo is Annie!

2008-03-25T14:17:00.000+09:00

This one I actually like. According to this theory, Annie escaped from the island to get away from Ben and was so intent on hiding herself that she moved to New York and got a sex change. Ben sent Tom to look for her, but when he found her (or found "him") they fell in love. Ben found out and arranged for Tom to be shot by Sawyer on the beach a few weeks later.

The strongest evidence for this connection is that both names "Arturo" and "Annie" start with the letter "A."

Brilliant.

(But also stupid).

#7: Mr. Friendly is GAY

2008-03-25T13:42:00.002+09:00

When Tom (aka "Mr. Friendly") told Kate "You're not my type" people quickly jumped on the gay bandwagon (not literally). And sure enough, our suspicions were confirmed in "Meet Kevin Johnson" when we saw how Friendly likes to indulge.

But despite what many have claimed, Tom's "gayness" did not result from an over-exposure to the theatrical spirit-gum he used over and over for that fake beard of his. (okay, so maybe that is not a real theory right now, but if it were, it would be stupid).

#6. Ms. Hawkings is Juliette

2008-03-25T13:36:00.000+09:00

It was popular for a while to think that Ms. Hawking, the elderly jeweler who refused to sell Desmond a wedding ring, was actually an older, wiser, (and Irish-er) Juliete. Just think -- what if the x-rays Juliete saw of what she thought to be a 70-year-old uterus were actually her own future uterus when she was a jewler in the future living in one of Desmon's flashbacks! Wouldn't that be amazing!?

No. It would be stupid.

#5: Aaron is Ben

2008-03-25T13:29:00.002+09:00

Claire's cute cuddly baby born on the island -- there was a time (before "The Man Behind the Curtain") when people were certain that this baby was BEN. And why not? Afterall, Ben said he was born on the island, and we know for sure that Aaron was born on the island. It just makes sense, right?

Wrong.

And it's stupid.

#4: Annie is Libby

2008-03-25T09:46:00.001+09:00

Granted, I can completely understand the intrique over Annie (Ben's childhood Dharma sweetheart) -- the exec. producers have said her story plays a major role in understanding Ben's actions -- so yeah, Annie is a cool mystery -- I feel it to.

But what is this deep obsession with Libby? I know, the fact she was in that nut-house with Hurley has never been explained, and there is speculation that she gave her sailboat to Desmond at Widmore's request, but making the leap that Libby is Annie? What would such a revelation really add to the show at all? I just don't get it. And since I don't get it, you know it must be stupid.

#3: The Lost island is really Gilligan's Island

2008-03-25T09:44:00.001+09:00

And I supposed Tom is the Skipper and Ben is his little buddy. This is a good joke, but a stupid theory. (However, if the Harlem Globetrotters show up in a future episode, I will gladly eat my words).

#2: It's all in Vincent's Head

2008-03-25T09:43:00.001+09:00

This is a variant of the Hurley theory, only it's about -you know - Walt's dog, Vincent. If this were the case, I would expect to have heard at least one "rowsers raggy" in the show's history to this point. But nothing. Nada. Stupid theory.

#1: It's All in Hurley's Head

2008-03-25T09:40:00.002+09:00

It’s only fair to start with one of my own stupid theories. After the “Dave” episode, I was convinced this was all in Hurley’s head – that he was really in that mental institution, imagining this whole thing – that all of the Lost characters were projections of his imagination. That would be stupid for so many reasons, and the executive producers have kindly assured us this is not the case. But for a time I was absolutely sure. Only one word: stupid.