Sunday, March 30, 2008

#57: They're making it up as they go along

"Damon Lindeloff and Carlton Cuse don't really have a plan for the show -- they're just making it up as they go along!"

No, they're not. All the scripts for seasons 1-6 were already written in the first 10 minutes when they sat down and conceived the show. In fact, they hired all the actors, and filmed every scene of every episode in the first three weeks.

OF COURSE they are making it up as they go along -- that's what writers do, duh! They live in the real world and have to deal with networks and actors' schedules and fan feedback and a million other things, and they have allowed for some flexibility in their storytelling (thank God!). But that doesn't mean that they don't have an overall plan. They do, and they have been true to it from the very start, and it is the best show ever. Come on people, these guys are amazing storytellers. Anyone who thinks differently is, well, you know...


#56: Elite black smoke-like creatures

"These elect people [followers of Jacob] had proven themselves worthy and been taught by Jacob to “unstick’ themselves in time and space and to transcend their very natures. They became part of the island, and when “unsticking” themselves in time and space would manifest themselves as black smoke-like creatures with amazing power and ability."

I see. So the smoke monster is really elite people who "transcend their very natures" (whatever that menas) -- elite people with amazing power and ability. That's vague enough to cover about anything and mean almost nothing -- vague enough to be stupid.

(and lest anyone be too concerned that I am only ripping apart other people's theories, rest assured, this stupid one is from my "Ben vs. The Universe" theory -- I know for sure it's stupid, cuz it's mine).

Saturday, March 29, 2008

#55: course-corrected Emily

"Ben’s mother, an original member of DHARMA, travels 15 years back in time, back to 1970. She meets a great guy, marries him, and gets pregnant. But, she was childless in the alternate future that she lived out on the island.

When the time comes for Ben’s mom to give birth, she dies, but still manages to produce a baby boy. The reason she died was because the timeline was course correcting to replace her with Ben. In a way, Ben is the embodiment of her, and was thus “created” to fulfill her legacy as the disgruntled DHARMA engineer that would ultimately bring down the shady corporation. It’s Ben’s role to figure out how to “work around” fate, and to find a way to make the time machine “work” without using DHARMA’s methods.

After a good bit of time on the island, Ben hears and sees his dead mother outside his house on the island! The reason he sees her is because in an “alternate future,” she was actually alive and working on this island for DHARMA. She appears half-dead to him because her dead spirit is designed to “help Ben understand his destiny” so that he can carry on her legacy. Thus, her spirit is time’s way of course correcting the future."

So let me get this straight, the universe course-corrected Emily Linus for traveling back in time and getting pregnant when she wasn’t supposed to be pregnant, so it kills her and replaces her with the son she was not supposed to have. Then it sends the now-course-corrected-dead-mommy-spirit to the never-supposed-to-be-born Ben on the island to course-correct him into what exactly? Don’t tell me that HE got pregnant too!

#54: Stupid DHARMA test subjects think a time machine is a complex vaccination doo-hicky.

"Desperate to prove that there’s ANY benefit to the new time machine, the leaders of DHARMA find a group of their own people to involuntarily become “test subjects” of their next experiment involving time travel. This being: can sending people back in time permanently cure them of a deadly virus? Without proper warning, DHARMA releases a virus in an area of the island that infects many of the “test subjects.” Then DHARMA claims that they can cure the disease with this special “device,” that device being the time machine. This, however, is NOT obvious to the test subjects - they just want to get cured, and think the time machine is some type of complex vaccination. As fate would predict, the test subjects go back in time and are cured of the virus, only to be later killed by the smoke monster, as the monster is the “physical means” in which the timeline course corrects itself. DHARMA, seeing this smoke monster for the first time, is now officially fearful that this time machine will end up serving no purpose whatsoever."

Amazing. Wouldn’t it be cool if in the next episode Locke actually stumbles across the actual certificate officially declaring the actual DHARMA test subjects’ actual fear?

And please people, remember to always issue a proper warning when releasing deadly viruses. It’s just common courtesy. Namaste.

#53: the unexpected black rock magnet thing

"The Black Rock was a slave boat crossing the Pacific. The boat was transporting a large assortment of metallic minerals, which were highly reactive to other forces of magnetism. Unexpectedly, the boat encounters the island of LOST. Being that the island has unique magnetic properties, the magnetic materials on the boat “react” with the magnetic forces on the island, and the boat is literally hoisted onto the island. The boat, having strong levels of magnetism, creates a hole in the invisible bubble that surrounds the island – this hole is at coordinate “325”, or the “special location/coordinate” that Daniel’s team travels through to get to the island. Once the Black Rock crashes, the leaders aboard the ship, including Alvar Hanso, begin studies on the magnetic aspects of the island. Their descendents ultimately form the DHARMA initiative in the late 1900’s."

'Nuff said.

#52: The four-toad statue

"The four toad statue was of Dharma's four leader and his four pet toads. After doing experiments on some of his people, killing some and turning others into toads, some of them rebelled and blew up his statue. There are pieces of it still in the ocean."

Dude -- you got it all wrong. They built the statue in the center of the island for Jacob, who they loved. It took four people to tow it to the beach. That's why it's called the four-towed statue. Duh!!!

#51: Good Buddy Time-travelers

"Jacob, Ben, and Richard are all just really good buddies who travel trough time together in Dharma's time machine, yes you heard me, an actual time machine."

Phew! Thanks man. For a second there I thought I might have to grapple through a mysteriously complicated but intriguing plot. But this is way better. Awesome.

#50: Lost is just continuing every Bible story there ever was

"The 4-toed statue is from Josiah's destruction of false idols before the rebuilding of Solomon's Temple (during which is found the Book of Law).

Kate's horse was one of those removed (by Joshiah) from the entrance to the temple put there as dedication to the sun from the kings of Judah.

Adam and Eve are actually the bones of the man of God who spoke against the altar of Bethel in 2 Kings 23:17 and the prophet from Samaria whose bones were laid beside him ."

Okay. Just wake me up when it's time to go home.

#49: Locke is in the (too small) coffin

"Locke is in the coffin, but the coffin is too small, so here is how it works:

Locke got off the island but Walt kept appearing, saying he had work to do. Wouldn't that drive you to suicide, too? So Locke hung himself by the neck, and while he was hanging he sawed off his own legs. That's why the coffin is so small."

Stupid stupid stupid. Everyone knows you're supposed to wait until you're already IN the coffin before you break out the saw!

Friday, March 28, 2008

#48: Anything to do with the Valenzetti Equation

Okay, I know, I know -- this was like the BIG REVEAL for the ultra-lost-geeks in "The LOST Experiment" game a few summers ago. But please -- until it is actually mentioned on the actual show, can we please just actually shut up about it already?

By the way, Valenzetti Equation is really an anagram for:
Venereal Zit Quotient.

And if you look it up to prove me wrong, you're a bigger geek than I am.

#47: Walt and Eko are brothers

This has to do with the photo on the wall in the "ghost house" -- the woman Miles visited so he could talk to the ghost. Granted, there is a resemblance between young Eko and the photo on the wall, but come on -- Nigeria orphan, Los Angeles grandmother. Too big a stretch, even for connection-happy Lost.

No, that kid is not Eko.

No, that woman is not Walt's grandmother.

No, Walt and Eko were not brothers.

(well, not in that way at least)

#46: ABC’s Lost is related to NBC’s Heroes

This would actually be kind of cool if it were true (but only ‘kind of’). This theory states that series creators’ Damon Lindeloff and Tim Kring have conspired to create different stories in a connceted “universe”-- that Lost's island is a super-hero generating machine, and each of Heroes’ heroes got their power from the island, like we are seeing happen now with Desmond.

The idea that two shows could interconnect without anyone seeing it coming is pretty interesting. But believing that it is actually happening, especially this far along in both series… well, that is just stupid.

But if it were true, ten-to-one Ben would trick Sylar into cutting off his own head before he knew what he was really doing. Any takers?

Thursday, March 27, 2008

#45: Jacob is half-alive

"Jacob is just a time traveler who was dead, but not yet, so he's still half-alive!"

Oh, I get it. Like the Dread Pirate Wesley, the guy is only MOSTLY dead.

(and Tom is his twoo-wuv Pwincess Buwacwup)


#44: Jack and Kate are Adam and Eve

Remember those skeletons Jack and Kate found in season one -- the ones Locke called "our very own Adam and Eve?"

Well, wouldn't it be cool if those skeletons were really Jack and Kate? Wouldn't it be cool if they got rescued as part of the Oceanic 6, and then tried to get back to the island, but they went the wrong way and went too far back in time, and then they were stranded alone on the island, and they found their way to this cave 'cuz they already knew about it from the future, and they had a white rock and a black rock to give clues to their future selves, and they died in the cave, and their bodies rotted, and they became the very skeletons that they found later on? Wouldn't that be cool? Wouldn't it?

Nope. Not if it made this list.

#43: Emily Linus - TIME TRAVELLER

According to this theory, Emily Linus (Ben's mom) was a former DHARMA scientist who worked on the top-secret DHARMA time machine and eventually grew sick of DHARMA's hypocritical ways, so she used the time machine to travel from 1985 to 1970, then met some Uncle-Rico-looking dude named Roger, had a baby (Ben) and the universe then killed her and is using Ben as her course-correcting replacement.

Uh huh. She should have given the time machine to Uncle Rico so he could go back and win that football game.

#42: Jack is in the coffin

This theory is beautifully stupid. Future-bearded-clone-Jack has read about the death of his time-travelled-Oceanic 815 survivor-nonclone-alternate reality-Jack (who never divorced Sarah and had a son with her and lived for a while in New York) and has gone to visit "himself" in the coffin. That is why he couldn't commit suicide, because this piece of him was already dead. That is also why he is so upset that no one else came. And Kate didn't want to go because that Jack was married to Sarah, not Kate.

All I can say to this is "wow."

Well, not completely true. I can also say "stupid!"

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

#41: Jacob is Jack's Grandfather

"The names Jacob, John, James, and Shephard all appear in the Bible in the Book of Matthew. Jacob was the father of Joseph who was the father of Jesus Christ. So on Lost, Jacob is Christian's father making him Jack's grandfather.i.e:JACOB SHEPARD!!! This means we can see why Jack is of the utmost importance to the island, Jacob found the island and is making Jack the islands saviour. What strikes me as either important or coincidence is the book of the bible in which this occurs, Matthew which is Jack's name in real life, Matthew Fox!!!"
Nope, neither important nor coinciental.
All it is is stupid.

#40: Ms. Hawking stole Daniel Faraday's device

"The reason Ms. Hawking new so much about Desmond's future is because she stole Daniel Faraday's time-traveling device from Oxford and used it to go forward and backwards to learn the sectets of the island."
I got a better one for you: Ms. Hawking was Eloise the the rat.
They both make about as much sense, 'cuz both of them are stupid.

#39: The Oceanic 6 are CLONES!!!

"In the final five episodes of season 4 we will see that "The Others" have secretly been cloning the Oceanic 815 survivors in the Orchid station. Six of the clones escape and return to the outside world. When Abaddon asked Hurley "are they still alive," he meant the actual survivors, who are still on the island. This is why Jack told a different story in the courtroom. He doesn't know what actually happened because he is just a clone."

Cool. And I supose all the bodies in the fake 815 were the first-draft clones that didn't quite make it? Good one. Just one small problem...

It's stupid.

#38: Bad Twin Ben

"Off-Island Ben is the evil twin of on-island Ben."

Right. 'Cuz on-island Ben isn't evil at all, is he.


#37: Naomi is Sayid and Nadia's Daughter

I didn't realize Sayid and Nadia were 12-years-old when they had Naomi. So why exactly would this be cool?

#36: The Numbers = ???

" There are exactly six solutions to the following equation:

x^6 - 108x^5 + 4405x^4 - 87270x^3 + 881464x^2 - 4239552x + 7418880 = 0 {1}

The six solutions (roots) are 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.

The {1} equation can also be rewritten as:

(x - 4) * (x - 8) * (x - 15) * (x - 16) * (x - 23) * (x - 42) = 0 {2}

The 108 and 7418880 numbers in the expanded form {1} are a direct result of simply expanding the {2}. In any equation in the form {2}, the coefficient of x^5 is always the addition of all the solutions (roots) and the loose term (with no x^n) in {1} is always the multiplication of the solutions (roots). For example:

{1}: x^6 - 30x^5 + 354x^4 - 2080x^3 + 6309x^2 - 9090x + 4536 = 0

{2}:(x - 1) * (x - 3) * (x - 4) * (x - 6) * (x - 7) * (x - 9) = 0

The solutions to the above equations are 1, 3, 4, 6, 7 and 9. 30 is 1+3+4+6+7+9 and
4536 is 1*3*4*6*7*9.

Alternatively, perhaps the Numbers are the first six numbers infinitely long sequence. One such sequence is defined by S(n)=(1/40)(2400 - 4896n + 3670n^2 - 1175n^3 + 170n^4 - 9n^5) (derived using the Lagrange Polynomial). According to this formula, then next equation in the sequence is 46.

Or maybe the Numbers are a mixture of several sequences, for example:
2 4 8 16 32 64...
where next number is previous multiplied by 2, and
2 8 15 23 42 52 63...
where you have to add 6, 7, 8, 9... accordingly to the previous number.
Also, a random equation was found between these equations.
First of all 4 x 8 x 15 x 16 x 23 x 42 = 7418880
now look 4+8+1+5+1+6+2+3+4+2=36
7418880 7+4+1+8+8+8+0=36

coincidence? maybe.

Yep. Uh huh (cricket chirp, cricket chirp). Can you explain that on an abacus?

#35: The Numbers = Evil Weapon

"The numbers represent the ingredients of some sort of evil weapon being constructed by DHARMA:

4= Beryllium (Be) -- Powdered beryllium is extremely toxic!
8= Oxygen (O) -- If carbon is the foundation of life, oxygen is the fuel
15= Phosphorus (P) -- Phosphorus is all about fire
16= Sulfur (S) -- Sulfur is the element of war and is one of three ingredients in gunpowder
23= Vanadium (V) -- Vanadium as an impurity gives the green color to many pretty gemstones (Green flash)
42= Molybdenum (Mo) -- The melting point of molybdenum is a good 1000C higher than steel and used as laser applications."

So THAT'S why they cursed Hurley like that!

#34: The Numbers = DHARMA stations

"Each of the Numbers represents one of the six Dharma stations on the island. The number 4 represents the Swan because the alarm sounds when the Countdown Timer reaches 4 minutes. The other numbers have other significance that will be revealed later in the show. Also, added together they equal 108, which – when divided by 4 is 27. But 27 is not divisible by 4, so there must be more than one Swan station. "


#33: The Mexican Snow Globe

The island is really in a snow globe, and that snow globe is for sale in a street market somewhere in Mexico City.

#32: I am Annie

Interesting theory Gnat. I'll never tell.

#31: Sawyer the Purse-snatcher

Before becoming a succesful con-artist, Sawyer was a two-bit criminal who stole a purse once at a diner from Alicia Silverstone.

Oh wait... that one's kinda true.

#30: Thomas is Ben

This is going back aways. The theory was that Thomas -- Claire's artist boyfriend and Aaron's bio-dad -- was actually Ben, in a time-warped twist before Ben came to the island. That is why "the Others" wanted baby Aaron -- cus it was Ben's (aka "Thomas") kid.

Aside from an eerie resemblance and the appearance of Thomas-esque art in the Swan hatch (both created by Lost director Jack Bender), this stupid theory didn't have much to it (as stupid theories are wont to not -- huh?). It got especially weird when people started thinking that Aaron was Ben, too.

#29: DHARMA Zoological Purge

This was a theory stating that the test-animals in the DHARMA zoological stations gained human-consciousness and the ability to change to human form. They rose up in rebellion against their DHARMA masters. This was the cause of "the purge." Now they live on the island as "the others" and they can change from human to animal (or to smoke monster) at will. I thought it sounded cool at the time. Of course it also sounded stupid.

#28: Ben was a DHARMA shark

I guess it's the bulging eyes -- or else it's the killer mentality.

#27: Tom was a DHARMA Polar Bear

That's how he knew exactly how long it took the bears to get a fish biscuit.

#26: Juliete was a DHARMA Dolphin

And was put in the aquarium with shark-Ben -- natural enemies who fell in love.

#25: Dharma and the Coca-Cola Connection

The DHARMA Initiative was sponsored by the Coca-Cola company with the mission to create cute adorable polar bears for nefarious advertising purposes.

#24: Lost is not real, it's just a TV show

Don't be stupid. OF COURSE it's real. Haven't you seen that Oceanic website?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

#23: Ben fathered everyone on the island

No. Ben is not Warren Jeffs. This is not Colorado City.

#22: Penny is Annie

I guess any woman on Lost automatically qualifies as secretly being Annie. I can't wait to hear them explain Sun or Rose (although Rose is probably Walt's grandmother, too).

#21: Sarah (Jack's ex-wife) is Annie

According to this theory, little Annie left the island, bleached her hair, staved off aging for a few years, and married Jack after her car accident. Then she left Jack for Ben, who had been hunting for her with all his money and his passports, even before Jack came to the island. That is why Ben was so possessive of Juliete, because he said once that Juliete looked like Sarah, who also looks like Annie. And this connection works because, why again?

#20: Ben is playing Chess with The Universe

Wait a minute, this one's not a stupid theory, this one is my current theory, and IT ROCKS!!!

(Okay, so maybe it's a little stupid)

#19: Walt's Grandma is Miles' Ghost Woman

I can see why this is confusing, since we see them both in a doorway over another character's left shoulder.

That's the only reason people are making this claim, right?


#18: Jacob is Locke

Okay, I might upset some people with this one because this is still a popular theory held near and dear even to our illustrious Jeff Jensen at, but come on...

Other than the cheap GOTCHA! factor, can someone please explain to me how this would make the show any better?
Locke is NOT Jacob. I just can't see the point. And if I can't see it, the idea is simply stupid.

#17: It is all a dream

Only if Damon and Carlton plan to never work again.

#16: Kate is Annie

How does this make ANY sense?

#15: Rousseau is Annie

Again with this bizarre fixation for discovering Annie in one of the characters we already know.

So let me see if I get this straight... Little Annie left the island and lived in Eastern Europe for a while (long enough to develop a "french" accent and a severe case of amnisia), she changed her name, came back to the island, had a baby, and has lived as a hermit for 16 years staying far away from Ben, the boy she gave the dolls to and said they would never be apart.



#14: The island is a chicken

Okay - more self-confession time. This is one I tried to explain to my wife once. Cuz, you know, Ben tells Locke:

"Help yourself to the chicken -- sorry, I ate most of the dark meat myself."

He's really talking about the island. You know, 'cuz he's harnessed the dark powers of the island.

And then Locke said they were out of eggs.

And then Locke was killing another chicken.

It makes sense, right?

Island = Chicken.


#13: Ben and Locke are Brothers


Ben and Locke are brothers.

'Cuz THAT would make the show REAL cool.

#12: Flying Cabin, Exploding Panda

Um.... Charles Widmore and Mr. Paik are searching for the island so they can capture Jacob's "flying cabin" (it can fly?) and use it to manufacture a new Korean flying car. Exploding Panda's will be used to stop them.

Too stupid to be real.

But stupid, nevertheless.

#11: Freighter Michael is Actually WALT!!!

This is one for those nerds Joaquin Phoenix was talking about in the movie Signs -- you know, those guys who can't get girlfriends so they make up secret codes to make themselves feel special (which is such a different kind of nerd from me).

So these people want to suggest that Ben sent Michael and Walt BACK IN TIME, and that Walt grew up to look EXACTLY LIKE HIS DAD, and that Ben recruited Walt to be his spy on the frieghter -- all this work just so the writers of Lost could say GOTCHA!!!

Neato. Do you think you're special now?

That's exactly what the nerds want you to think.

#10: Mr. Eko is the Smoke Monster

Oh, I get it. Because they're both black, right?



#9: Jacob: The Lost Scrooge Connection

According to this theory, Lost's mysterious "Jacob" is named after the Charles Dickens' character Jacob Marley, the one-time partner of Ebeneezer Scrooge who warns Scrooge of the terrible chains of hell that await him after death. Marley also arranges for three ghosts (a flashback, present-day, and flash-forward ghost) to visit Scrooge and redeem his soul on Christmas Eve.

Okay, so this theory isn't "stupid" per se -- the show has made several Dickens references and there are clearly themes of redemption throughout each characters' storylines, as well as the flashback, present, flash-forward storytelling devices. This theory actually shows a lot of creativity and thought (no, it's not mine).
I just can't figure out how Jacob being like Jacob Marley has any practical significance for the show. How does it add anything that we dont already know? Is Jacob a ghost then? Who is Scrooge? Who are the other ghosts who visit him? And most importantly, who is Tiny Tim, because someone has to say "God bless us each, every one."

No, this is not really stupid (it's pretty cool, really), but since I can't exactly figure it out, it's close enough to make the list.

#8: Arturo is Annie!

This one I actually like. According to this theory, Annie escaped from the island to get away from Ben and was so intent on hiding herself that she moved to New York and got a sex change. Ben sent Tom to look for her, but when he found her (or found "him") they fell in love. Ben found out and arranged for Tom to be shot by Sawyer on the beach a few weeks later.

The strongest evidence for this connection is that both names "Arturo" and "Annie" start with the letter "A."


(But also stupid).